Taming Wild Horses (aka Rebelling)
In the current series, I’m looking at how our children’s behaviour can give us clues as to what is going on for then, and what that behaviour may mean for us as parents. Today I’m looking at Rebelling – challenging behaviour at school and at home.
This is the child that struggles to comply anywhere. It is the child that is rarely in the classroom – they spend more time out than in. Perhaps they are on some kind of behaviour management plan, or they have become a flight risk. You dread the phone calls from school for yet another ‘incident’.
At home, they seem to refuse even the most reasonable of requests. Getting dressed, preparing for bed, eating a meal, doing homework, even going out for treats – these are all met with extreme levels of resistance and even violence. Your child may be exhibiting challenging behaviour towards yourself or other siblings.
And out of school activities are also affected. They may be refusing to attend once enjoyed activities, refusing to engage once there or being disruptive on a regular basis.
Sound familiar? I call this behaviour ‘rebelling’. It comes from a child where there is a fundamental unmet need, and the child is unable to communicate their need, other than through their behaviour.
Our children are not manipulating, attention-seeking, spoiled, controlling or defiant – they lack skills not to be challenging. They are telling us is the only way they know-how, and loudly, that something is wrong in their world. A child that may previously have been masking may have reached a point where they can no longer ‘hold it in’ at school. For the first time school starts to see what the parent has been saying is happening at home.
If we were trying to tame a wild horse, we wouldn’t ‘blame’ the horse for protesting at our attempts to break it in with a saddle and a harness. In the same way, we mustn’t blame our children for rebelling.
Children who are rebelling are in crisis. They need our support and like a wild horse, we need to build their trust. We need to get underneath their behaviour and find out what is really going on and why they are so unhappy.
If this is your child;
ask for help – ask the school or your GP to make a referral to Early Help, you and your child need support
talk with the school about running experiments with different ways of doing things to see if they can help to pinpoint the root cause
ask your child to draw a picture or do a role play with toys about their ideal school and see what themes come to light
if you haven’t already done so, talk to your GP about a referral to a paediatrician for further investigation
be kind with your child – make fewer demands than you might normally choose, be flexible and accept they are struggling with life and need some tender loving care
