When they're not listening

Sometimes people just aren’t listening. Sure they go through the motions, they interact at the right time, they appear to be considering your views, they may even suggest solutions. And yet they’re not listening.

It’s a bit like asking your zoned-out child to help around the house, hearing the ‘yes’ or ‘ok’ response and assuming they’ve listened and will empty the dishwasher as you requested. And yet, hours later, of course, it still hasn’t been emptied.

Without empathy, there is no listening. Sure they are hearing what you are saying, on one level. If they’re not listening, however, there will be no follow up action.

It takes empathy to really listen. If you are listening deeply, you will implement the actions you’ve agreed to, and if you can’t you’ll go back and explain why. You will understand that when somebody contacts you to find out what is going on, they need a response, because their world is upside down or out of control, they may be waiting to make a decision based on your thoughts or contribution, this could be the one thing that helps them sleep tonight.

I’ve recently come across some appalling examples of local authorities who simply aren’t listening. So what do you do when your attempts to find out what is happening, what decisions are being made, what discussions are going on, and what action will be taken are rewarded with a wall of silence?

• Escalate

Go to the top. Write to the Director of Children’s Services and explain politely that their staff seem unable to provide responses to straightforward questions in a reasonable time. Give them evidence.

• Complain

If escalation does not yield a response start a formal complaint. All public bodies have a formal complaints procedure. Find it, follow it and put the dates in your diary to follow up if they don’t meet their timeframes.

• Socialise

While the complaint process is trundling along (it takes time), socialise the problem. This means sharing the problem with local counsellors, your MP and other influential parties. A helpful professional or headteacher can be useful here, although many have their hands tied by the local authority and be scared to stick their heads above the parapet.

• Investigate

Once the complaint procedure has been resolved, if you are still not satisfied, you can refer the complaint to the local government ombudsman to investigate. The LGO has powers to investigate local authorities, identify poor practice, issue fines and award compensation

• Legalise

If you are struggling to get a local authority to follow the law, you can adopt a legal attitude. This may involve a judicial review if the processes are not being followed, a criminal prosecution for failure to provide an education or an appeal to the SEND tribunal where the issue pertains to the contents or absence of an EHC plan. Remember that many legal cases can be filed in the name of your child, and hence funded by legal aid.

• Publicise

If all else fails, you can use the power of local and social media to highlight the case and put pressure on the people in question to do the right thing. This is usually a last resort as it can compromise your ability to reach an agreement earlier in the process.

The trick with all of these is to understand when it is happening. If you always feel like you need to wait one more week for the outcome of some meeting, report or discussion, they’re not listening.

If it takes multiple emails, calls and left messages to speak to somebody who knows what is going on, they’re not listening.

If the process is elevated above the real needs of your child, and action that will provide the needed support is delayed because of ‘the process’ and artificial ‘rules’ about how we do it here, they’re not listening.

Listening moves us closer, it helps us become more whole, more healthy, more holy. Not listening creates fragmentation, and fragmentation is the root of all suffering.

— MARGARET J. WHEATLEY