Frustrated children = frustrated parents
One of my favourite places to visit locally is Hever Castle. With its beautiful gardens and majestic castle shrouded in Tudor history, arguably one of the most exciting periods I’ve studied, we are always guaranteed a great day out.
However, there is one aspect of the gardens that I find somewhat frustrating. It always seems like a good idea at the time, as we enter the maze full of optimism. Yet after 45 minutes of trying to find our way to the centre and back out, the feelings of frustration overwhelm the excitement of the challenge.
Even the children eventually lose their will to continue, and all too often we have to take the ‘cheat’ route and make a speedy exit as the need to find food, drink or a toilet overtakes the whole experience.
For children that are struggling in school, the feelings of frustration can build and build, and alas there is rarely a ‘cheat’ way out. Parents, sensing their child’s frustrations, try to work with schools to make things better, and all too often find themselves equally frustrated. It is a sad fact that even the most inclusive and open schools struggle to have their professional judgement questioned.
When this happens parents feel like they are unable to make things happen and are up against ‘the system’, unable to make a difference. When the causes of the child’s struggles are unknown, parents find themselves stuck, unable to make things better, and unsure what to do for the best.
Frustration leaves us feeling annoyed and less confident because we are unable to achieve what we want. And frustration has other physical impacts. In a study on the effect of frustration on brain activity[1], brain imaging showed that frustration causes increased activity of the dorsal striatum which contributes importantly to stress and negative affect processing – feelings of negative emotion and poor self-concept.
This lack of confidence often results in us questioning what we believe to be true. We feel like a spectator on the side lines, wishing we had a map of the maze so that we could find our way out. The prospect of a ‘cheat’ exit is very appealing, and yet parents in this position usually see a long journey ahead of them.
Frustrations come in many forms, from a child that is struggling to keep up, to the child who is frustrated and bored because the work is too easy. Both are equally serious. At half-term, my own son was frustrated he had spent 6 weeks doing the same subject in maths, and complained the lessons were moving far too slowly. I witnessed first hand how frustration had caused him to have negative feelings towards maths, and poor self-concept.
In our case, an email to the teacher explaining the situation was heard and action taken swiftly. The second half of the term has seen far more extension work and an increase in his motivation to do well. In my experience, however, this response is the exception rather than the rule.
What parents and schools need is a strong relationship where both parties can be properly heard, and where the child’s voice is heard loudest of all.
[1]: Bierzynska, Maria et al. “Effect of Frustration on Brain Activation Pattern in Subjects with Different Temperament” Frontiers in psychology vol. 6 1989. 11 Jan. 2016, doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01989
